I'm Kim Katrall - the Bloomingdales mannequin in the 1987 movie of the same name - and I'm rubbing my eyes having magically come to life in the bedding department of um, Anthropologie, Leeds.
If you've seen the film, the chances are you've had the dream too? It's the one where you (the shop dummy) magically turn into human form when the shop closes at night. You have until morning to play house in those impossibly good store-styled room sets. In the case of Anthropologie, this includes my dream boho-glam eclectic living space, my ultimate Christmas table setting and a dressing room to die for.
There are no shop assistants to tell you off for wrapping yourself up in the hand embroidered Indian bed spreads. No customers groaning when you take 10 items into the changing room. It's just you, the shop and your warped imagination.
Just me? Well look, I've waited nearly 30 years for this dream, I'm not stopping now. Here's what happens when I visit Anthropologie Leeds and go to sleep hugging my new velvet swan print lampshades:
1) Dressing up.
There is no better shop than Anthropologie to live out my modern day flapper girl fantasies.
I try on at least 20 evening gowns, channeling Lady Mary meets Lady Gaga and settle on this black number with pleated lace detail. I drape 7 chunky necklaces around my neck all at once and pose in ALL of the feathered headbands. I document it all on Stories.
2) I celebrate Christmas
No actual food required at this table, washing up messes with my perfect mannequin nails. I clink gilded rim goblets with my glamorous (invisible) friends. We pull a few super swanky crackers and hand out pressies that look far too good to unwrap. Although I feel one of them and think it might be a brass fox bottle opener, so I peak.. and it is! JOY.
Stationery goals people! I'm salivating whilst stroking leather bound journals that hold the secret to happiness.
I'm caressing pencil cases more beautiful than any handbag I've ever owned. I am pouring over calligraphy pens and sign writing manuals. I am hoping that in my next dream I turn into a double nib Le Stylo felt tip pen in pastel. I stir uncomfortably, but I'm so not ready to wake up.
4) Cushion fluffing
Have you seen that Anthropologie sofa situation on the top floor?
I need some time to work out why the green and grey patterned Dhurrie sofa goes with brightly coloured ikat print chairs, pink mongolian fur cushions and papier mache wall mounted zebra heads? This shizz can only work in dreams, right? And only in Anthropologie dreams for that matter.
Damn, the anxiety of it wakes me and I am back at home, in bed, still hugging my lampshades.
I'm slightly shaken but I'm OK. No one is hurt, I haven't stolen anything and I know exactly which dress I want for the Christmas party. Only the best dreams give you clarity, right?
You can try my Mannequin fantasy out if you wish, but I'd probably recommend a visit to the new Anthropologie store in Victoria Gate Leeds instead. Here you will find a fantastical lifestyle dream world all of your own. My tip? just be careful how much of it you bring home.
Happy half term all. I'm over at the seaside again doing scary cliff top walks and chips with too much salt and vinegar. It's making me realise that when you love house candy as much as me, (enough to send you slightly bonkers even), it's very, VERY good for you to get away from it all and realise that cushions and lampshades and stuff... they're not the dream; they just decorate the dream. Those dudes at Anthropologie get that too. They sell this book that may just help to cleanse my sinful shopaholic soul.
Have you been to the new Victoria Gate shopping centre yet? Leeds just gets better doesn't it? Let me know what you think below.